something

24th JUNE 2013

im laughing at myself on how childish i sounded on my previous posts. and also im astonished on how much i grew for the past few months. thanks to someone i've learnt alot, especially dealing with people. im much more well prepared to deal with some certain people with issues. you can call that, im steadier than ever lol

anyway you might notice that i always blog when im sad. but today im not.
im happy these days. or i should say, these few weeks. he dosent allow any moment of sadness in me. he dosent allow loneliness to attack me. he makes me feel like a princess. he is the new cause of my smile now.

i just wanna thank him for being here. he never realize how much he makes me smile everyday, so let's just keep this a secret between me and you for now. i guess i will tell him someday else.

deterioration

assignments, lab reports, journals. flu, on and off fevers, cough cough cough.
they are killing me.




just so sick. just so stress. just like that.

BTS

'hi how are you?'
its 12.35am sunday morning. my stomach grumbles and i only started a bit on the revision for monday's test.

and my room is like a mess. clothes and books spread all over my bed. not the whole bed though, there is a part or the corner of the bed which got no books nor clothes cos its the place i sleep. if my mom sees this shes going to yell at me until my eardrum burst.
dirty clothes pilling up in my recycle bag. the bread that i bought sitting below my working table, growing mould quietly. hairs all over the floor, i cant remember when is the last time i swept my floor. chocolate case full with chocolate wraps is still on my table. lab manuals reports journals study log and notes all stacked on my table and a little space for me to move my mouse. guitar sitting beside unzipped and my capo is missing. so as my pendrive, which stores all my works including my secretary works.

sometimes i m happy, im grateful to have so many lovely friends who pamper me so much when they know im not in good state. sometimes i feel like they dont know anything about me. sometimes i feel like im a grown up to have independent life to bear with so much me times and task to be responsible of. sometimes im tired with all these works keeping me so so busy all the time. sometimes im grateful to have these works to keep me busy so as to get use to this kind of life. sometimes im mad with that attention seeker's immatured actions. sometimes i understand, he is lonely and needs a friend. sometimes im glad that we are still friends. sometimes im sad because we are only friends now. sometimes im glad that we have different lives to carry out so there is no awkwardness yet sometimes, it kills for not knowing what you are doing right now.

'im fine'
, just tired and hungry.
and i swear that im going to tidy up my room tomorrow.

february. the birthdays month. 

baby sister back in home, two bestie of mine, two ex-es and a couple of friends from mentakab kuantan and also in uni, and me,

happy birthday. 

love always,

cassie

recovery

im back to the positive me. 

days are still shit like, work flow just dont seem to end in any day, cracked my head on how to reply w/o showing too much enthusiasm, sleepless nights, emptiness. 

they are still there. but it all dont seems too bad right now. 

monstrousity

too many unfinished works. too many unsaid feelings. too many things im not allowed to care about anymore. too many people i should left unworried about me. too many restless nights. too many responsibility to hold on. too many happy faces of him that i wish to see now.



they said this is only temporary. but now this moment feels like eternal.
like a monster, its too strong to fight.

confession #1

this is not the usual cheery post. but i guess this is the only channel that i can let it all out.

been crying alot lately, used to be tough but i guess that's when im home, i have people around me all the time. im afraid of loneliness.

i thought i will be used to the loneliness and quietness for now im already in my semester 3. but the thing is, im not. and tonight is not the 1st night im stuck in this pit of hell. im all sore inside out and tears flowing non stop staining my unfinished lab journals. i want to talk i want to laugh but there's nobody. i didnt want to bother others with my stupid problems and also reminding myself the ignorance that i will get if i tell him.
friends are all out in the weekends: going back home, meeting bf/gf, partying and etc. and here's me sitting in my cold room blasting with emo songs, forever alone. i hate to use that term.
and also, overthinking, my bad habit when im all alone. make things x1000 worse. all the worst scenario i can think of is all in my mind.

at this very moment, i really really hate myself.