confession #1

this is not the usual cheery post. but i guess this is the only channel that i can let it all out.

been crying alot lately, used to be tough but i guess that's when im home, i have people around me all the time. im afraid of loneliness.

i thought i will be used to the loneliness and quietness for now im already in my semester 3. but the thing is, im not. and tonight is not the 1st night im stuck in this pit of hell. im all sore inside out and tears flowing non stop staining my unfinished lab journals. i want to talk i want to laugh but there's nobody. i didnt want to bother others with my stupid problems and also reminding myself the ignorance that i will get if i tell him.
friends are all out in the weekends: going back home, meeting bf/gf, partying and etc. and here's me sitting in my cold room blasting with emo songs, forever alone. i hate to use that term.
and also, overthinking, my bad habit when im all alone. make things x1000 worse. all the worst scenario i can think of is all in my mind.

at this very moment, i really really hate myself.